Friday, September 2, 2011


The above headline topped the internet news today after the jobs report did not look so good. I'm not quite sure how employment grinds to a halt, like we're all on one big bus ride called JOBS and this week someone slammed on the break. If employment ground to a halt, shouldn't we all just stop working? I mean, it certainly doesn't feel like anything halted at my place of employment; more like someone stepped on the accelerator and then if that wasn't bad enough, another guy came along and stepped on his foot while on the accelerator! Nothing halting here. In fact, I think we could use a little halt. Why don't we all pause and sing Kumbaya for a moment, take a look around, look outside?

We've gotten so used to our GNP being so ridiculously high, and we've made all the other countries jealous….and made them mad too. How would you like to be a country that has its entire GNP compared to one of our states. You've heard that before right. Oh, Jamaica doesn't even have the Gross National Product of the State of New York. In fact, New York's GNP is 7 Jamaicas! How do you think Jamaica feels about that huh?

I've been to Jamaica, and all I can really say about that is --- it's warm. Jamaica's kind of scary, unless you want to deal or smoke pot…. then let me tell you, you've found heaven on earth. You know in Jamaica they call a speed bump a Sleeping Policeman? I wonder what the hell they call a real sleeping policeman because you can walk the streets of Jamaica dressed as a joint on fire and the only policeman that comes by will be one that wants to smoke you.

There's a big difference between public and private beaches in Jamaica and the U.S. You think private beach in America, you're thinking a small beautiful inlet that goes right up to a mansion where they have cocktails served and exclusive hot guests and great food. Private beach in Jamaica, you're hopeful for sand.

Because the public beaches in Jamaica are empty. You'll see a few kids or natives running around, but they're being patrolled by dreadlocked salesmen all selling the same product, and they just follow you around asking you repeatedly if "you want some ganja man?" And they won't go away. You think telemarketers are bad, you can hang up on them. In Jamaica the minute you turn away one sales guy with his dreads hanging all over another one turns up who looks just like him with the same question!

And you know how you like to get little souvenirs when you go on vacation. Everyone I've ever dated wants to bring back something, as if the pictures aren't enough. They want a magnet, or a coffee mug, or some other thing that like fives years from now you'll be like cleaning out the kitchen and you'll be like, "do you want this?" and they're "No, I don't even remember when I got that."

Where we stayed in Montego Bay,.... I'll never go to again, but below our hotel on the hill was a shopping mall....otherwise known as twelve green wooden huts hocking the exact same merchandise.  And the women who ran these shops all know each other, and their job is to lowball their friends out of a sale, who then return the favor on someone else.  They must be a collective.  Seriously, everything was the same -- occasionally they had a t-shirt with a slightly different design on it.  In America we call that The Gap.

And we think employment has ground to a halt here... employment has hardly found an engine there.

There was a 7.1 quake reported up near Alaska this morning, but it was later reduced to 6.8.  How is it we spend all this money on geological surveying equipment, we have this university called Cal Tech, the supposed pre-eminent assessor of earthquakes, and never once is the first reported Richter scale value correct.  It always gets changed later.  So let's learn something, OK.  Why don't we say this....the first number you get,...throw it out.  It ain't right.  It's too high, always.  No other profession does this happen as often.  I mean can you imagine your doctor  --- "You have terminal stage 4 pancreatic cancer."   A hour later.... "I mean you've got a rib bruise."  What the F?  Let's spend a little extra cash so they can learn not to waste time reporting the first measurement for crying out loud.

That's all I have for today.....