Friday, May 6, 2011


Call me crazy here, but I'm thinking these Al Qaida dudes don't quite understand the revenge rule.  I mean, today they vowed revenge for Osama bin Laden's death, something we didn't exactly need an article on to know was coming, but I'm thinking they need a lesson on how to exact revenge.

One of the first rules about exacting revenge is you can't START the fight.  See, if you start the fight, the responsibility for revenge falls directly on the shoulders of the initial victim(s).  That's how that works.  It's kind of like a Thank-You note.  A person sends you a gift, you write them a note.  If they then, in turn, write a 'Thank You' to your thank you, then you could start an endless circle that just goes over and.....

The second rule of revenge, even in the most biblical of senses, is generally an eye for an eye.  You took my rubber duckie, I'm going to burn you at the stake, does not work even in the most anachronistic ways.  Even with collateral damage, the Al Qaida dudes, while mega-astute in Koran passages, seem to have skipped math class.  See, we lost over 3,000 people, not to mention the amount of folks we had to send overseas, and who died fighting in essence, because of you.  You lost one dude, albeit a big one, and some of his family.  His wife hadn't left the compound for years, which means she had to be miffed -- she never got to shop.  And believe me, she didn't stay with Osama based on his stability.

The third rule of revenge is that if you're actually going to seek revenge for a vengeful act that was revenge to begin with, the best thing to do is not send overly, crazy-sounding bold statements when you're now running for your lives.  We heard these before, and as the American press repeatedly proves, if you shock people with the ridiculously dramatic statements long enough, it ceases to arouse any measurable response equal or greater to  the original statement.

"Soon, God willing, their happiness will turn to sadness, "their blood will be mingled with their tears."

I don't like mingling fluids generally.  I have a rule against this.  Get more specific, and I don't mean give everything away or lay all your cards on the table, but if you're going to be credible without your leader, give us an idea you know something we don't.... like our mother's maiden name, or how many licks it actually takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, or where Hoffa is buried.  This would likely scare the be-jesuits out of us all, because no one knows where Hoffa is buried, and you'd have to have a pretty good lay of our country's land to know this.  And you have to have patience beyond anything Americans could ever grasp to lick your way to the Tootsie Roll center.  That's discipline.

I just think these Al Qaida dudes never picked up the rules.  It's like they were on the school playground when they were little, and no one explained the rules of tag to them.  Truth is, no one thought they had to -- you kind of just pick it up by watching or playing.  But clearly someone needs to tell these dudes that revenge isn't what they're doing now.  It's more like they're crying over their own spilled milk.